The Mom Paradox: Damned If You Do, Judged If You Don't

Motherhood today feels like living in the eye of a tornado of advice, opinions, and well-intentioned (but often unsolicited) critiques. From the moment we announce a pregnancy, the world suddenly has a lot to say about how we should raise our kids and unfortunately I've discovered this in my first-time-mama journey: it doesn’t stop once the baby arrives.

Let's be real for a second. Parenting “rules” are often contradictory and no matter what choice you make, someone will always have something to say about it. Damned If You Do, Judged If You Don't.

Let’s talk about a few of those hot-button topics that somehow spark intense opinions:

• Breast or bottle? Breastfeeding is wonderful, but so is feeding your baby in general—period. Formula isn't failure, it's food. And babies thrive most when fed with love, not pressure. This is where it got really hard for me. No matter what I did, no matter how many lactation cookies I ate, how much water I drank, or how often I tried I just couldn’t produce enough milk. Everyone around me kept urging me to keep going, telling me breastfeeding was the best way to bond with my baby, that it would help me lose the baby weight, that it was the “right” thing to do. But my body wasn’t cooperating. Every time I pumped a bottle and saw it barely fill past the first few lines, my heart sank. I felt like I was failing. And hearing my baby cry from hunger shattered me. That’s when I finally let go of the guilt and reminded myself...this is exactly why formula exists. My baby deserved to be fed and full and loved. And in the end, that’s what truly mattered.

• Stay-at-home vs. working mom: If you stay home, some people think you’re “wasting potential.” If you work, you’re “missing out.” But guess what? We’re all just doing our best to balance life, bills, and babies. This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make: choosing between staying home with my baby or going back to work. I thought it would be simple. I assumed I would just know what felt right. But when the time came, I didn’t. I felt completely torn. Part of me wanted to be there for every coo, every nap, every first. I wanted to soak in the quiet moments and the chaos. I wanted to hold on to all the things I knew I’d never get back. But there was also another part of me that missed who I was before. I missed the version of myself that existed outside of motherhood. I missed the feeling of working toward something, of dreaming big, of having a purpose that was just mine.

Then came the guilt. No matter which option I considered, it felt like I was letting someone down. Either I was sacrificing moments with my baby or I was putting my own goals on pause. Neither felt easy. Some days, it still doesn’t. But eventually, I realized that it didn’t have to be all or nothing. I could find a way to honor both my role as a mother and my identity as a woman with dreams. Being a good mom doesn’t mean losing yourself. Sometimes, it means finding the courage to hold on to her.

• Screen time vs. no screen time: If your toddler has access to a tablet, you’re “lazy.” But if you limit screens completely, you’re “depriving them of learning opportunities.” Sometimes screen time is a lifeline...especially when you’re trying to cook dinner, take a work call, or get through long-haul travel with your sanity intact.

• Sugar or no sugar?: Some parents ban it entirely. Others let their kids enjoy an occasional cupcake at a party. And somehow, either choice can draw side-eyes. One cupcake does not define your parenting.

• Co-sleeping vs. crib training: Whether you snuggle your baby all night or swear by sleep training, someone will question your method. But only you know what works in your household at 2 a.m.

• Early potty training vs. waiting until they’re ready: One mom is praised for ditching diapers early, while another is told she’s rushing her child. Both could be right...depending on the child.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

Unless they birthed, adopted, or are legally AND financially responsible for that child, it’s really none of their business.

Harsh? Maybe. But necessary.

Every child is different. Every parent has a unique set of challenges. We’re all navigating this wild, beautiful, exhausting ride the best we can. And rather than tearing each other down for the choices we make, imagine what we could do with a little more support, compassion, and community.

So whether you're the kind of mama that packs "organic, gluten-free, dye free" snacks or toss Goldfish into a Ziploc bag, whether your kid watches Bluey on repeat or builds with blocks for hours, you are doing a great job!

Parenting is hard enough without the judgment. Let’s normalize offering grace over guilt, curiosity over criticism, and support over shame.

Because at the end of the day? What works for one mom might not work for another — and that’s perfectly okay.